is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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