Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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