I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize