I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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