can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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