I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
