I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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