Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
