my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
