DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
