and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize