Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My dick has a subreddit
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
