I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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