i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
