i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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