I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
