I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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