6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
