The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize