How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
