So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
