The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
