even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
