i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
