One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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