It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize