mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
