oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
