he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I came so hard my ears popped.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
