I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
