Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
