WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My life is pants optional.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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