Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
