Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Everclear isn't food dammit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
