Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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