You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize