i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
