vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
