You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
