im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
