Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
