This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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