me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
