I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
