My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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