Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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