Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
