but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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