He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
