so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
