I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is my gift to your gina
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
