the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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