Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
