i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
