my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
