dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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