birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
