Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
