well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
