You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
