I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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