i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
