Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
