I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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