Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
