I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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